You cant hold on forever. Sometimes you just have to realize that the people you love, may never love you back. Just because you love them more, doesnt mean they will EVER love you. Sometimes, you just have to realize that its a pointless fight. That it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.
I do believe I have a new motto for myself..or at least one to add to my collection. You do in fact, it seems, only get one shot. It makes sense really..if you think about it. It might not always be a good first shot..but you only get that one. I am going to hope that most of my first shots are good ones. LIke if your in a fight, that first shot had better be stellar, you just might get your ass whooped. I am starting to think that relationships follow that same guideline. You only get one first shot at a good impression. One first shot for attraction. One first shot to grab their attention. One first shot to prove your worth coming back for a second. I think that most of us miss that first shot. The second and third might be sweet, but they will never have the potential to be as sweet as that first impression could have been. I seem to be struggling a lot lately with the decisions I've made in my life. Did I make the right choice? What could have happened? What if I had chosen that instead of this, or this instead of that? What if I had said this, or done this..would it have turned out differently? I will end up killing myself inside slowly if I dont stop asking myself. I will never know the answers..and a big part of me honestly believes that everything happens for a reason. No matter what bad decision we make, there has to be some good that comes from it somewhere. Sometimes we just dont see that good right away..and sometimes someone else has to point out to us what we are not seeing. I think Im ready for someone else to point out what Im not seeing. Its like wheres waldo..ive been looking to hard, I keep passing him up without even realizing it! I swear my life sometimes feels like a wheres waldo page..there are so many things that are missing, hiding right in front of my nose that I just havent found yet. One day though, I will find them all..I hope..haha. Goodnight.
I have noticed a pattern in my life, and it pertains to males. It seems like there are either 20 guys in my life, or none at all. If I like one, then there are 3 more that come out of the woodwork. By the time I figure out who I like, they either have found other girls, or have just disappeared. It is starting to become a pain in my butt. My life is complicated enough without having to throw that into the mix. In terms of guys, there is one who seems to care about me unfailingly. He says he wants to marry me. Make me happy, treat me like I deserve, make sure I get everything I ever wanted. But I have reservations..mostly because he now lives in Virginia. When he lived here, we had a great time..but then he left. Im not sure how well I would handle packing up my life here to move down there. I dont know all the consequences of that yet. They may outweigh the benefits..but then again, maybe they wouldnt. Its hard to say at this point. I just know that I have a lot to think about.
Suggestions? Anyone...anyone?! *sigh*
I am sad today. My friend delivered her daughter stillborn at 5 1/2 months. This is her 3rd failed pregnancy, 4 lost babies. Her daughter had a twin that they lost a month ago. They are trying so hard to have another baby. Their daughter now is almost 2. I hurt for her still though. I cant imagine that loss. RIP baby Declan.
Fathers day is fast approaching. I will gladly celebrate this day thankful for my father. As much as he gets on my nerves sometimes, he has always been there when I needed him. I am thankful that my daughter is only 8 months old, and she does not understand what a father is supposed to be. Granted, I do not know how her father is with her. I have never seen it. From the time she was born until March, he had spent so little time with her. The court still granted him his time, but now he takes her and does what he pleases. She does not seem to adjust well. I do not know what this situation will bring for the future years, but it worries me. I hope that my daughter will one day have the same things to be thankful for.
My life seems to be on a very bumpy road lately. Somewhere along the way I seem to have turned off the highway and hit the dirt road. Not that I have anything against dirt roads..they just aren't always great for progress. I have so many different things on my plate. What am I going to do with school in the fall? Because the program I was in didn't work out. So where do I go? What do I do? I have always been a bit on the indecisive side..choices are not always good for me.
Its the same concept with buying a house. Or a condo. Or a house. Probably a condo. See. Difficult. So many choices. Am I making a mistake? Maybe I should just rent..but do I really want to put all that money into something that I will never call my own? I don't think I do. I work too hard for my money. I want to have something to show for it. I want my daughter to have someplace stable to come home to. Not that apartments aren't stable..but lets be honest..they have a pretty rapid neighbor turnover rate it seems. I wish I could get a nice house in a neighborhood. I want Addie to have a yard and be able to ride her bike and her awesome Barbie jeep that I will eventually buy her (maybe we will go with the mustang..it is pretty spiffy). But I just don't see that right now..so I guess a condo it is.
Everyone says kids in high school don't know what love is. They don't understand what it means. I think maybe, just maybe, everyone is wrong. I think that maybe, they do understand. I think they have a better grasp on it then the rest of us do. In high school, you counted every month as an anniversary that meant something. Sure, maybe you think tha'ts petty or trivial, but aren't those the little things we always care about anyways? Girls in high school get more jewelry and flowers from their boyfriends then most adult women do. Not that those are important things, but really ladies, come on. Who doesn't want those things every once in awhile? Maybe as we get older we try too hard to categorize everything, to set molds that just aren't realistic. Whatever happened to the days of being with someone because they made you happy? I know that I would give anything to find a guy who actually understood me. Who cared enough to know those little things. Not just pretend to know them because he had too. Sometimes I think we make love more complicated then it needs to be, and I know that starting right now..I am going to simplify it. I refuse to settle.