Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hello old new friend.

Yea, I totally dropped the ball on this whole blog thing..but life has been kinda hectic for me..(as any of you single mothers can manage)
I transferred locations at work..super exciting! Ill be so much closer to home, its going to make my life so much easier.

So lets see...what has happened since the last time I was here..
Ashley and Bobby got married, super hectic and crazy ( I was maid of honor) but oh so fun! I had a great time, and it was well worth all the stress in the end!

I was on a house/condo hunt for awhile there..I found one that I really liked, but of course I  got outbid. Since then, I haven't seemed to have much luck. I think I will settle on an apartment for now. Better in the long run for me and my lovebug I think..since it is just the 2 of us.

My relationships have definitely had ups and downs. My relationships with family, friends, men, everyone. Some have suffered and fallen by the wayside. While this makes me sad, I can't help but wonder how much they really mattered if neither of us were able to hang on to them and make them work. Granted there were some where I tried harder then others, and vice versa. Regardless of what happened then, I feel like I am where I need to be for now. Yes my friends and I will always have our ups and downs, but the ones who matter will be the ones who will be there at the end of the crazy ride (and lets be honest, its always a crazy ride.)

Ive made a lot of changes to me too. Its so easy to lose yourself in life. Between working, and being mama, I had forgotten the woman I was, and the woman I wanted to be. I have very much put some effort into remembering who she was and who I want her to be. I do believe I am well on my way back to her.

For the first time in a long time I can say that I am at peace with myself and with the life I am living.and it feels absolutely wonderful!!

Goodnight <3

Thursday, June 30, 2011


I love you. I have loved you. I will love you forever.

But its time to let go.
I will let go.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Its time to let go.

You cant hold on forever. Sometimes you just have to realize that the people you love, may never love you back. Just because you love them more, doesnt mean they will EVER love you.  Sometimes, you just have to realize that its a pointless fight. That it is better to have loved and  lost then to have never loved at all.

Monday, June 20, 2011

You only get one shot

   I do believe I have a new motto for myself..or at least one to add to my collection. You do in fact, it seems, only get one shot. It makes sense really..if you think about it. It might not always be a good first shot..but you only get that one. I am going to hope that most of my first shots are good ones. LIke if your in a fight, that first shot had better be stellar, you just might get your ass whooped. 
    I am starting to think that relationships follow that same guideline. You only get one first shot at a good impression. One first shot for attraction. One first shot to grab their attention. One first shot to prove your worth coming back for a second. I think that most of us miss that first shot. The second and third might be sweet, but they will never have the potential to be as sweet as that first impression could have been. 
    I seem to be struggling a lot lately with the decisions I've made in my life. Did I make the right choice? What could have happened? What if I had chosen that instead of this, or this instead of that? What if I had said this, or done this..would it have turned out differently? 
I will end up killing myself inside slowly if I dont stop asking myself. I will never know the answers..and a big part of me honestly believes that everything happens for a reason. No matter what bad decision we make, there has to be some good that comes from it somewhere. Sometimes we just dont see that good right away..and sometimes someone else has to point out to us what we are not seeing. 
   I think Im ready for someone else to point out what Im not seeing. Its like wheres waldo..ive been looking to hard, I keep passing him up without even realizing it! 
I swear my life sometimes feels like a wheres waldo page..there are so many things that are missing, hiding right in front of my nose that I just havent found yet. One day though, I will find them all..I hope..haha.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


Torn into pieces, all scattered and used.
I came out alive, but I left black and blue.
This door is revolving, there's no end in sight
The answer is no, if you ask "are you alright?"
Ive given my all, I have none left to give.
Yet still walk away with nothing, no matter my fight.

One day, someone will love me and want to spend their life with me making each other happy...one day.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Rainy days are good for thinking..Damn..today was sunny.

I have noticed a pattern in my life, and it pertains to males. It seems like there are either 20 guys in my life, or none at all. If I like one, then there are 3 more that come out of the woodwork. By the time I figure out who I like, they either have found other girls, or have just disappeared. It is starting to become a pain in my butt. My life is complicated enough without having to throw that into the mix. 
In terms of guys, there is one who seems to care about me unfailingly. He says he wants to marry me. Make me happy, treat me like I deserve, make sure I get everything I ever wanted. 
But I have reservations..mostly because he now lives in Virginia. When he lived here, we had a great time..but then he left. Im not sure how well I would handle packing up my life here to move down there. I dont know all the consequences of that yet. They may outweigh the benefits..but then again, maybe they wouldnt. Its hard to say at this point. I just know that I have a lot to think about.
Suggestions? Anyone...anyone?!  *sigh*

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Just when you think you had it all figured out

I am sad today.  My friend delivered her daughter stillborn at 5 1/2 months. This is her 3rd failed pregnancy, 4 lost babies. Her daughter had a twin that they lost a month ago.  They are trying so hard to have another baby. Their daughter now is almost 2. I hurt for her still though. I cant imagine that loss. RIP baby Declan. 

Fathers day is fast approaching. I will gladly celebrate this day thankful for my father. As much as he gets on my nerves sometimes, he has always been there when I needed him. 
  I am thankful that my daughter is only 8 months old, and she does not understand what a father is supposed to be. Granted, I do not know how her father is with her. I have never seen it. From the time she was born until March, he had spent so little time with her. The court still granted him his time, but now he takes her and does what he pleases. She does not seem to adjust well. I do not know what this situation will bring for the future years, but it worries me. 
I hope that my daughter will one day have the same things to be thankful for. 

My life seems to be on a very bumpy road lately. Somewhere along the way I seem to have turned off the highway and hit the dirt road. Not that I have anything against dirt roads..they just aren't always great for progress. 
I have so many different things on my plate. What am I going to do with school in the fall? Because the program I was in didn't work out. So where do I go? What do I do? I have always been a bit on the indecisive side..choices are not always good for me.

Its the same concept with buying a house. Or a condo. Or a house. Probably a condo. See. Difficult. So many choices. Am I making a mistake? Maybe I should just rent..but do I really want to put all that money into something that I will never call my own? I don't think I do. I work too hard for my money. I want to have something to show for it. I want my daughter to have someplace stable to come home to. Not that apartments aren't stable..but lets be honest..they have a pretty rapid neighbor turnover rate it seems. I wish I could get a nice house in a neighborhood. I want Addie to have a yard and be able to ride her bike  and her awesome Barbie jeep that I will eventually buy her (maybe we will go with the mustang..it is pretty spiffy). But I just don't see that right now..so I guess a condo it is. 

Decisions. Decisions.